Freedom


If we are painstaking about this phase of our development,
we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are
going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p 83

This promise that AA makes to us really comes true.

Today there are moments in which we can reflect and remember what it was like to be attached to the outcome, to be attached to the physical world and be continually on vigil, trying to make the ends meet, make situations go our way. We lied to ourselves and others to get our needs met. It took a lot of energy to get through a day. Constant burn-out and exhaustion. Isolation was our refuge.

The days are different now, more balanced, more inter-dependent, rather than co-dependent or just plain dependent. Colors are richer, our minds are clearer. We can focus and pay attention and really care about others, even lend a hand. Self-seeking leaves us. We bless those and allow whatever situation we can’t control be what it is.

A new freedom!!

It’s gliding for me

I feel like flying

Soaring

SONIC YOUTH

Ca plane pour moi (Plastic Bertrand)


Omnipotence


We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 133

Grateful for sobriety and the great life we have sober, for friends and laughter, parties, family, that we step out of our comfort zones and go to AA meetings when we don’t want to, that we don’t make excuses as much as we used to, for health and that we love really big and open without fear and knowledge that we will always land on our feet with our Higher Power. For miracles and signs and faith and trust. For people in our lives we trust with all we are. For this incredible 94 degree weather and the beauty of the south and the warm hearts down here, for time off and MUSIC and fab musicians and real fun. For the honesty, authenticity, open-ness and willingness of the spirit. That we are not hanging on to the dead situations that don’t work. That we allow others to be who they are and we allow ourselves to be who we are, beautiful and imperfect. That we don’t need other people to make us whole or to be cool or to take care of us. That we are independent and strong and this gives us the ability to be counted on. That we don’t have to show off, pretend and fantasize, save face or live a life unfulfilled. For loving and being loved. That we accept life on life’s terms.

Obsession lifted. No more hangovers.

Sobriety and facing the truth has given us freedom and self-respect and above all self-love.

So Much in our lives to be grateful for. Even though we go through a hard time and have to face truths and losses, we can still be happy, joyous and free. It’s weird that way. Figure that.

Thanks,
       mean it…
Elvis Costello Burt Bacharach
God Give Me Strength

I’m New Here


Yesterday, Gil Scott Heron passed away at 62 due to an infection. His music was influential to many artists. I loved him in the 70’s, but when I’m New Here came out in 2010, it spoke to my soul. I had to get it right away. Beautiful.

In this 2010 article by the Guardian, he tells of his life and his struggle with addiction.

RIP Godfather

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2010/feb/07/gil-scott-heron-comeback-interview

Gil Scott Heron

Me and the Devil 2010


Love Reckons by Itself


A bizarre sensation pervades a relationship of pretense. No truth seems true. A simple morning’s greeting and response appear loaded with innuendo and fraught with implications. Each nicety becomes more sterile and each withdrawal more permanent.  

Maya Angelou

So many people drink over loss.

Country singers cry in their beer. Rockers commit suicide. Financiers jump off buildings. Suburban housewives run over their husbands and burn their clothes. Limitless suffering inflicted.

Is all this drama about love? about success? about life?

NOTHING is worth all that crazy drama.

We choose to close the door on the insanity. Our serenity is worth more than anything.

When it’s over, it’s over.

Acceptance.

Love, friendships, parents, family, business partners leave, lose a business, a job, your haircut sucks, death whatever…

Bless all whose lives have crossed our paths and let them go….

…like spit on a griddle…

Love reckons by itself -- alone -- "As large as I" -- 
relate the Sun To One who never felt it blaze -- 
Itself is all the like it has --Emily Dickinson

Leonard Cohen

Love Itself

The light came through the window,
Straight from the sun above,
And so inside my little room
There plunged the rays of Love.

In streams of light I clearly saw
The dust you seldom see,
Out of which the Nameless makes
A Name for one like me.

I’ll try to say a little more
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone.

All busy in the sunlight
The flecks did float and dance,
And I was tumbled up with them
In formless circumstance.

I’ll try to say a little more
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone.

Then I came back from where I’d been.
My room, it looked the same
But there was nothing left between
The Nameless and the Name.


Nurse


I am crazy about the Showtime drama, Nurse Jackie. I’ve watched it from inception. She is a drug addicted, married with children nurse and is doing the pharmacist at the hospital where she works to get drugs. Played by Edie Falco.

http://www.sho.com/site/nursejackie/home.sho

I keep wondering if she will ever hit bottom, get caught or if she is a bullet proof tank.

Anyways, it’s a great series. If you get a chance to watch it this summer, I highly recommend.

Seasons One and Two are out on video.


The We Journey


When I first expressed an interest in getting sober, a good friend gave me an AA meeting directory and said,

“I am going to mark all my favorite meetings so you can join me.

I told her, “Oh no, this is some thing I need to do alone.”

Little did I get it that, AA is all about the WE .

It isn’t about the, I have to do it alone…

Growing up an only child from a single parent home, I learned to be alone really well. I’m never bored alone. However, the lack of human contact was missing in my world. I isolated, afraid of interacting with people because I felt awkward, special and unique in my pain.

So now, I get it that the first word of the first step is WE.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

OK, this would be the dorkiest place to insert the song, We are the World, but yikes! what a shitty song, so here is Culturcide doing, They Aren’t the World.


When You’re Ready You’re Ready


The Changing Magnolia

Sadly when friends or family are having a hard time and there is nothing we can do to help, it can be so painful. I know it was hard for my friends and family to stand by and watch me when I was using. The journey is just harder for some. Letting go of what is dead and over seems to be the hardest for all of us. We keep trying to blow life into it and fluff it up and make it look good on the outside, but we really know in our guts there is no hope. Why do we insist on hanging on to what doesn’t work?

Bottom line every one has their own Higher Power. No one can fix another. We have to find our way on our own. I can see how people feel they wasted their lives and time trying to let go of an addiction, but you’re ready when you’re ready. No one can make you quit. You have to find that power of choice within yourself. Sadly, many people live with addiction, never getting their needs met their entire lives.

Listen to your gut. It will tell you the truth. We are powerful when we can finally hear our own voice and stop believing the lies we tell ourselves. Alcohol and drugs lie. They can make you believe in fairy tales. We thought we were the shit when we drank. Any addiction that gives us false power will do the trick. As humans we all participate in this delusion. No wonder no one went up in the rapture. We are all a bunch of fuck ups!! Beautifully Flawed.

Honestly, I do believe that we are all flawed, but not beyond redemption.

Take the first step without fear. There is a beautiful world waiting…

Devo

Beautiful World