A Brush With Death


Losing friends and family members to the disease of addiction has taught me that this disease is serious. Escaping life and getting fucked up can be really fun and some times humorous, but those of us that have suffered the reality of loss know the final destination is not funny.

We can sit in meetings and laugh at all the stupid things we have done, but when we actually lose a loved one to this disease and they die, it gets really real. Most of us either are or know a person who is an addict. If that person never has the desire to change, then the possibility of death, insanity or imprisonment are supremely real.

When we “get it, the desire to change burns in our hearts like a tattoo made with a branding iron.

It is the only passion that can save us. Without it we stay in our sick situations: Drinking, snorting, shooting up. eating, smoking, cheating or turning a blind eye to all of the latter keeps us from attaining our true path.

To be a better more effective person is not always a desire in a person’s life. Sometimes mediocre getting by and accepting an unfinished life is all we will ever aspire to.

Our Higher Power can create miracles, but can our Higher Power give us desire?

Do we stay in the wake of a short trip to death or in a long slow eroded life and never have the desire to change?

I was given grace. I was given a burning desire to change my life and I have accepted all the circumstances of the change. I was 35 years old and maybe I had more drunks in me, but I was given the choice and I was ready that day. I took the hand of life and I made a choice to live.

I am forever grateful for that gift of desperation.

I have walked through some pretty stupid situations sober. It is not always easy to stumble around sober completely aware of being like a child learning to walk. This can be awkward when you’re a grown person.

But in the effort to grow there have been times I see how being sober can help others. We have talked a fellow addict off a ledge, poured the liquor down the sink, dragged their asses to a meeting, sat up into the wee hours with them, spent hours on the phone, using our gifts to create another and another reprieve from a brush with death.

Drama you say? Funny? This fucking disease kills.

But,

I choose sobriety today one day at a time…

and I am forever grateful.


Getting Down to Basics


Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
Buddha

When we have problems we look to some thing outside of us to fix us. Everything we try, drugs alcohol, food, relationships, shopping, even therapy can’t fix us.

But

If we can get real and get honest with ourselves the truth will set us free. 

Denial is a strong prison.

Going to meetings saves us, but meetings can’t do it for us, if we are unwilling to be honest with ourselves.

Sometimes just keeping our selves in the seats at a meeting is enough to get through a day and stay sober,  but to really live the life our Higher Power wants for us, we need to get down to basic truth and face whatever it is we are concealing from ourselves.

The New Year coming up will give us opportunities for resolution. Chinese Year of The Dragon. Equal to St.Michael the Archangel, the Dragon leads the Chinese New Year Parades to ward off the evil energy.

Let’s go into 2012 with open eyes and take some action to change our lives for the better. The Planets are lining up and there is much magic ahead.

Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

Dostoevsky

SOCIAL DISTORTION
I WAS WRONG

Love and a Cough

“As it has been said:

Love and a cough
cannot be concealed.
Even a small cough.
Even a small love.”
 Anne Sexton


Fall


It is “Fall” here.

Houston has its steamy season mixed wih crisp cool days of sun. Our sporadic rainclouds pepper the sky with hopes of welcomed rainfall.

As we travel the freeways, our windshield wipers dance with the raindrops and the sprinkling of mists.

Crazy, grackle birds invade us this time of year and live on our power lines. Their black forms against our azure sunsets are amazing.

Birds LOVE Houston!

We love this time of year in Space City. We are not threatened with hurricanes, storms or floods, drought or harsh cold weather. We can count on surviving the minor times of freezing temperatures. We are guaranteed a safe future for a few months.

In life, there are not many times we can look forward to constancy. Maybe that is why we welcome routine and order.

For all of us while growing up, things changed so quickly.

Some of us had severe changes, waiting for the other shoe to drop, not knowing what to expect.

Latch key kids, parents drinking, kids being shamed, beaten, left alone in danger..

We stayed close to the television watching Father Knows Best and Leave It To Beaver and wondered if that kind of life really existed.

So, today in these fall days when we feel we have it all, we feel safe and secure knowing all is well as the year’s end approaches.

Here is a GREAT Calendar Song by the Fall. WE love Mark E. Smith.

CALENDAR
Hey – don’t you want – to be caught
Hey – don’t you want – to be caught
Unbrainwash – today
October – gives way – to Christmas
January…
Calendar
What gets in the way
It was a very – good – month – last week
What gets in the way
Your mirrors are dissolving today
The last – three weeks –
were the great month of February
Calendar

THE FALL


Restraint of Tongue and Pen


This has been the hardest lesson for most of us.

“Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.”
Step 10. From 12 x 12

So

Ferme la bouche

” That means,

“Shut the Fuck up..

Mouth of a Story

The Raincoats


HOT Original Nature


Patti Davis, Ronald Reagan’s daughter, got clean and  sober and changed her life in her late twenties. She is a person who has lived her life with out being told who she should be.

Will Patti be on her death bed asking, “What if my whole life was wrong?” Tolstoy

Beautiful Patti at 58

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1388520/Ronald-Reagans-daughter-Patti-Davis-poses-nude-58.html

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patti on Amy Winehouse
 http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2085335,00.html#ixzz1UTIYtbJE

“When I eventually quit — after many years — it was for the simplest, most childlike reason: my father had taught me to trust God, and I didn’t want to disappoint Him. I didn’t want God to be angry with me.”

Patti Davis


What If This Was the Last day of Your Life?


What if this was the last day of your life? 

What would you change?

Who would you be with?

Who would you be talking with?

What would you be eating?

What music would you be listening to?

Where would you be?

Would you be stressed and too busy to enjoy the day?

Would you want to be living the way you do?

Life is short.

Too short to waste a moment.

You can’t expect to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.

You can’t expect life to change if you are unwilling to change.

You can’t expect any thing from any body

Life is what we make it.

Make it big and real and great with lots of truth and happiness and FUN!

 

 

 

 

 

Young Marble Giants

Final Day


Symbiosis


Symbiotic relationships simply put, are those with no boundaries. Often found with parent and child, a mother who eats off the child’s plate or goes through their things snooping. There are no boundaries and the child accepts it and feels guilt for having a life, so the cycle continues. Also many symbiotic relationships can morph from romantic bond to a brother and sister relationship or a rescuer and victim relationship or the partners may mother/father each other in a parent and child type of bond. The boundaries are so skewed that the couple cannot function without each other. It comes to mind the image of  the Ouroboros, the snake who eats its own tail, a very ancient symbol which means, that which feeds you kills you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ouroboros

However the snake is constantly recreating itself. This is a more hopeful symbol than the images we get from Symbiosis which is constant feeding on each other to survive. It seems death represents change. The death of the bond creates the freedom to re-create.

Many people in symbiotic and co-dependent relationships say that they feel trapped by needy people, but perhaps they are trapped by their own neediness. You never know what’s going on in some one’s home, inside their marriage. Symbiotic and Co-dependent relationships end when one or both partners accept responsibility for their own emotional and physical well-being. Such people are then free to create healthier relationships …perhaps with each other.

From Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places by Jed Diamond

  • Healthy love is fluid and dynamic. Addictive love fears change.
  • Healthy love is gentle and comfortable. Addictive love is combative.
  • Healthy love encourages honesty. Addictive love encourages secrets.
  • Healthy love is unique. There are no ideal lovers. Addictive love is stereotyped.
  • Healthy love creates life and joy. Addictive love creates melodrama and suffering.
  • Healthy love is accepting the partner you have. Addictive love looks for more or better.
  • Healthy love is based on your desire to be with a person. Addictive love is based on need.
  • Healthy love is making yourself happy. Addictive love seeks someone to make you happy.
  • Healthy love develops after you feel safe. Addictive love tries to create bonds to avoid fear.
Secrets kill a relationship. Lack of trust and lack of faith are total deal killers. But many will accept this type of abuse, because they feel so bad about themselves they think they deserve nothing better. The intimacy dies and the two exist in faux existence perhaps living in their past successes and emotional ties which have long past.
Maybe they don’t deserve any better. Maybe they are a couple of losers who should just live with each other in a void and suffer their Karma forever LOL. Karma’s a Bitch. In any case, there is help to be had if the partners seek spiritual or psychological help. Without help and willingness to change and let go, it is doubtful that people who are embedded in these sick relationships have to tools to be honest and change their lives without outside help.
Leap of faith.. it takes fear to be courageous
Personally I believe, Twelve step programs are really good ways to start. As much as I resist Al-Anon, it has helped me tremendously.
I have learned a lot about myself through fucking up, but taking the lesson to the next level is what is in a Fool’s bag.
Note from a Sober Driver contributor:

There are 4 types of symbiosis

Mutualism- involves two species, both benefit

Commensalism- involves two species, one benefits the other is not harmed or helped

Parasitism- involves two species, one benefits the other is harmed

Amensalism- one species is inhibited or completely obliterated and one is unaffected.

For the time being we are going to discuss these types of symbiosis as they pertain to human relationships.

We all strive towards Mutualism. We strive to coexist with others in a manner that is not only enjoyable, but beneficial to both parties and neither party is harmed. Mutualism is also frequently a life long relationship between two species and weather obligate for one species or one is obligate(by necessity), the other facultative(optional). In the relationship both species are obligate, both need each other to survive. In the obligate/facultative relationship the obligate species needs the facultative species to survive, the facultative species does not necessarily need the obligate.

Commensalsim as stated previously, is a relationship between two species where one specie benefits, and the other is not harmed or helped by its presence. The extent by which the one is helped can be extended to things like housing and transportation. This sort of symbiosis in a human relationship is comparable to having a room-mate that pays rent and may or may not clean. Their presences are neither a hindrance or a help.

We are all very familiar with parasitism, one specie is harmed one benefits. A parasite is defined by its host and lifestyle, most parasites are obligate. They can invade your intestines, your blood, your integument, your brains. The harm they can cause can be minimal to severe, based on what body system they attack, and what they are going to take. A parasite can take one blood meal from its host and leave or it can latch on and continue to take blood meals for as long as they or we live. Animals and plants alike are both plagued by parasites and we are constantly as risk of becoming hosts. None of us are able to escape this in our personal dealings with other humans. Recovery  from this sort of symbiotic relationship starts with getting rid of the parasite in question. In order not to be drained of our life or at the very least irritated, we need to acquire some antiparasitic, i.e. some perspective. It is also important to recognize when one is the host in said parasitic relationship, which because of its many variations can be difficult. The best thing is to go with your first instinct, if you feel as though you are being used for someone else’s benefit, it’s surprising how often that little voice in the back of your mind is correct. It does how ever take recognition of self-worth to get out of a relationship that is parasitic. Sadly so few people do.

The most destructive symbiotic relationship is Amensalism. The host is completely drained or inhibited by another specie. The larger stronger specie drains the smaller and weaker specie till it die. When speaking on relationships, the hosts that do not find themselves a way out of parasitic symbiosis become victims of amensalism. The host has been used to the extent that they are weak and unable to sustain its own life. 

These relationships all represent different ways in which we as humans fight for life. 

Holly Go Lightly  and the Broke Offs

Clean in Two 2008