Addicted to Love?


Can some one really be addicted to love? Because true love is something so rare, how can a person be addicted to it?

I think some times a person is addicted to winning or addicted to owning or controlling another person, but addicted to love?

Hmm, that just doesn’t make sense.

Can a person be addicted to their emotions?

I see how a person can be in such fear of losing another person and the fear of being alone that they cling like a cling on.

I understand that, but does love apply here?

I see how a person stays in a bad relationship out of guilt, but love is done by that time, that’s not love, so addicted to love doesn’t make sense.

Being in love doesn’t mean being a door mat…Loser..

Being in love doesn’t mean you are constantly compromised or your trust is broken over and over.

That’s not even a good friendship.

Compromising in Relationships

 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-compromised-are-you-in-relationships-understanding-compromise-in-relationships/

Just saying…

The Cure

Friday I’m in Love

Urban Dictionary Define True Love


March the Third Step


Every month, some of our meetings focus on a step a month.

This month is Step Three.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

The words in that step used to piss me off, because Bill W. and Dr. Bob already defined my Higher Power as “Him.”

However, over twenty one years, I have softened and remembered that the modern days have become more inclusive of all kinds of interpretations of who our Higher Power is to us, personally.

It makes it a lot easier for us to come into the rooms and allow something greater than ourselves run the show.

When I first got sober, I was in a relationship in which, I was so controlling of my partner that it made me physically sick. I had just started the steps and had come to Step Three. I was in the illusion I was calling the shots in the relationship and behind my back, my partner was lying about the affairs they were having.(I hope this person is happy. I pray for all to have the good will of our Higher Power in our lives, including this ex)

I began to wake up to all the shenanigans and my partner left. I like to think they left, because now, my Higher Power was running the show and lies could not stand in the light of truth. The truth all came out in a really magical way, thanks to two very good friends who helped me out of that bondage.

By myself, I believed what I wanted to hear. I was so busy trying to control every thing, spying on my partner, feeling the dishonesty, it took up a lot of my energy and creativity and time. Not to mention I was blocking a very important relationship with someone very special. When I let go and joined up with my Higher Power, the liar left and I began to really grow up. I lived alone for a while. In fact, I have been alone many times in sobriety and I learn a lot about myself. I don’t feel sorry for myself very long. I understand I am never alone with my AA family and my Higher Power as constant presence in my life. I do the work and it pays off.

There is beauty in the breakdown.

This Growing Up in Public thing takes a lot of courage. To admit defeat over alcohol and people and let go and trust my Higher Power was the biggest step I took. This step I practice daily, some times hourly and I don’t always get what I want, but I sure as HELL get what I need!

God laughs while we are busy making plans.

My sponsor says it’s like getting in a rowboat and letting go of the oars and going with the current.

I am super grateful for this step.

Trust, faith and surrender.

Let Go

Frou Frou

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we’ve no time for later now
you can’t await your own arrival
you’ve 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown


Addiction to Whatevah, Whoevah is Around


I love this thought. It’s just so sick and real.

Any one can get familiar to one way of living or a person or a substance or a behavior or just any thing that it becomes unhealthy addiction.

Let’s make a list:

Blow up dolls comes to mind first, drugs, alcohol, food, “caring” for others, rescuing animals, people etc..,cleaning (I wish), cussing (that is a fun one), praying (it’s possible), money and things, collecting, perfectionism, fantasy, romantic love, sex, status, Let’s not forget Facebook, checking our phones or emails a million times a day, hating ourselves, guilt, narcissism, anger, worry and plenty of whatevah is in the world.

That is just so amazing to me, but it has happened to many of us over and over.

The word “familiar” rooted in “family” really says it all. How we grow up and  how we deal with living issues shapes our choices. If a child has not individuated from its parents, there will always be an unhealthy dependence not only with the parent, but with every one around. This will only stop if the healthy partner (if there is one) sets up clear boundaries.

Dependence is not a bad thing. Healthy dependence is how long-lasting relationships are shaped.

If there is not trust or respect and there is a need to hurt or get back at the other person, this is probably learned from an unhealthy experience that every thing else is measured by.

Not an easy thing to break.

Facing Co-dependence and other books on recovery are great to read, but drinking beer and reading self-help books lying on the couch was not really getting it for me.

I needed 12 step meetings. Hearing others who have the same issues and realizing there is a solution, works!

And a good 12 step counselor or therapist really helps the journey.

My friend and I are on our 47th day of  90 meetings in 90 days commitment. We don’t get to go to every meeting together, but it is so fun to have a friend on this journey when we can.

So that is how it works: The “WE” of the first step.

“WE admitted WE were powerless over _______and our lives had become unmanageable.”

(Fill in the blank as it applies to you.)

Here is a good song my meeting compadre picked on anger and road rage addiction:

Bad Habit

Offspring


Saving Face and Your Ass at the Same Time


Is it really possible to save face and get your self out of deep trouble?

Meetings, having a therapist or a sponsor to talk to or clergyman or a good friend give us the opportunity to admit our shortcomings and take action.

It is not always easy to admit when we are wrong or that some thing just isn’t working in our lives. In fact, most of us would like to just hide away and let it all go by, let it all take care of itself. Meanwhile, our problems are driving a Maserati and have gone ahead of us and eaten chile at truck stop and are waiting for us at our destination. There is no geographical cure and no other way out but to admit our powerlessness and the exact nature of our wrongs.

The trick is really seeing what those problems are. Denial is such a strong force.

So baby, Watch your face, I mean Watch your ass…

Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell


Love Addicts


Just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Love Addicts Anonymous

40 Questions To Help You Determine If You Are a Love Addict

If you can answer yes to more than a few of the following questions, you are probably a love addict.

Remember that love addiction comes in many forms, so even if you don’t answer yes to all of the questions you may still be a love addict.

  1. You are very needy when it comes to relationships.
  2. You fall in love very easily and too quickly.
  3. When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.
  4. Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.
  5. When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.
  6. More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.
  7. Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.
  8. When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.
  9. Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.
  10. When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.
  11. When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.
  12. You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.
  13. Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.
  14. In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.
  15. You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.
  16. You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.
  17. More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.
  18. You are terrified of never finding someone to love.
  19. You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.
  20. You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.
  21. You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).
  22. When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.
  23. You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).
  24. More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.
  25. You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.
  26. You have stayed with an abusive person.
  27. Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.
  28. You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.
  29. You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.
  30. When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.
  31. More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.
  32. You have no impulse control when you are in love.
  33. You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.
  34. More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.
  35. You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.
  36. If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.
  37. Love is the most important thing in the world to you.
  38. Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.
  39. As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.
  40. You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.

Here’s one of my fave bands with a little obsession song for Valentine’s Day..

Enjoy

Dandy Warhols I Love You

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I only just met you before
But I can’t understand you don’t want me more
You maybe think I’m too smart and weird,
But that should only make you want to hear that…

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,

You make me feel really unsure,
But that should just make you feel secure.
Although we’ve only known each other a bit
Already I can’t sleep at night and I feel like shit.
That’s right.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/dandy+warhols/#share


It Takes Two


OK This post is kinda long and intense, but it is the root of so many reasons people get blasted instead of dealing with their feelings.

Unhealthy relationships seem to be the bad bone in every addict’s life.

When we do our 4th steps in AA, we examine our behaviors and how we have affected others.

Al-Anon is the savior for sick relationships in the alcoholic home.

Lois Wilson creator of Al-anon  (Wife of Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA) had it going on. Al-Anon heals so many situations that affect the growth of the spirit. Many others have healed using strict Codependency guidelines as well.

Have you left scratch marks in your partners when the relationship is over?

Some refuse to Let go.

I have often heard,” I don’t take partners, I take hostages” said in meetings. Very funny, but codependency can be very damaging.

Here is an article that may help.

How can you tell if you are a Codependent — with all the differing “definitions” out there? This may be difficult to realize, despite 40 years of public documentation and support on the subject; but it is quite prevalent, especially in more developed countries, and among certain (caregiving) professions, or developed as a result of religious affiliation.

Children are more codependent, of necessity; but adult Codependency is simply unpleasant — mostly for you, but also everyone around you.  A good working definition of Codependence might be, ” No boundaries combined with an inappropriate caring for others (invading a boundary), and an inappropriate reliance on another’s response (invading a boundary), in a negatively reinforcing loop”.  Negative Dependence.

You are a caring person, and there is nothing wrong with that; we are all interdependent.  Just a little self-examination, and redirection, may have you on a more fulfilling path.

Here are many relevant clues to consider, given in no particular order; however, since codependent behaviors are as variable as humans’ collective ego defenses, this is by no means a comprehensive list. Unfortunately, Codependency is difficult to see in yourself. Awareness is a major first step to a new concept, and awareness alone often alleviates many symptoms.

It is important to note that most people exhibit codependent behaviors in certain situations, and a snapshot of most anyone might be seen below. This article is to help ”you” find ”your” Codependency, and it is not recommended that you confront or attempt an “intervention” for someone else.

Realize that codependency can take many forms: ”passive” and/or ”aggressive”; in fact, terms such as “passive-aggressive”, “controlling”, “people pleaser”, “bipolar”, “empath”, “manipulator”, “narcissist” (pathological anti-codependency), “drama queen”, and many others, are more or less descriptions of some symptoms of codependency.

Stalking is an obvious codependent behavior.

Another way to describe codependent behavior is, “feeding the behavior of an individual who is causing pain and stress to the unit as a whole. These units can be the work place, school, social clubs, church, or the most prevalent place for this behavior — the family”.

Should we depend on another, or help another accomplish common goals that are ”benefiting the whole”, is not the question but: “Are we enabling unacceptable behavior in order for us to appease that person (who is causing disruption) in order for us not be rejected, confronted, challenged, or hated by them?” It is well to avoid ”fusion” with others and ”confusion” of the individual’s status within the unit.

Examine your family relationships: Codependency is a learned behavior, most often passed down through families; you learned it as a way to cope. You did ”’not”’ do anything wrong — but, as an adult, it is an inadequate and ultimately unsuccessful way to deal in relationships. You probably feel responsible for making another person or people happy, finding it difficult or impossible to say “no”, but are unaware of your own motivating thoughts and feelings.

Examine your other relationships: Although you may be fairly “successful”, your social-life is unsatisfying to you; you are too busy with everyone else’s “problems”. Consider whether you may be uncomfortable being alone.  Unfortunately, you come with ”strings” attached.  You are unhappy at best, and often suicidal at worst.

Check your major options for a “frame of mind” which might be a fairly rapid-cycling between “miserable” and “giddy” (bipolar). “Contentedness” is probably a foreign state of mind for you.  At parties, or other social settings, you quite often are an “odd man out”, or uncomfortably trying to control/help everyone have fun your way — do you give up, withdraw from uncontrollable persons — or duck out to escape the load music, noise and confusion?  Contemplate whether you are quite driven, an overachiever.  You may have an opinion about everything; you may have been labeled a “type A” personality, tending toward perfectionism (possibly manic). Hyper-awareness is common in this mode.

Consider whether you’re compulsively-seeking acceptance by your chosen audience. Do you find yourself often compulsively explaining your issues to someone when it’s unnecessary (to one who is mostly not listening, as it is irrelevant to them). If no one else is present in the same room, you may be explaining anyway, to someone two rooms away. Even your manipulative actions, often done in the open, are seeking acclaim/affirmation, expecting “they should agree; it’s the best thing–for them”.

Observe here, when no one asked for your opinion, that anyone not telling you to “mind your own business” is being kind or confused (you have subconsciously developed syntax that makes it difficult for others to back down gracefully).

Anyone unfortunate enough to have pegged you as a “sympathetic ear”, probably a stranger, is going to get more than they bargained for in your (manipulative) empathic behavior, as “Let me help (control) you”.

Another common way to describe Codependency that may bring it to light for you is that your center moves around, from yourself to the other–you often don’t stay centered. Recognize that even aggressive Codependents may have an obsequious (doormat) side. In attempting to show respect you may feel a need to be unhealthily “submissive”.   You should not find yourself receding or feeling subjugated.  Consider whether you are often accused of being wishy-washy or double-minded as you agree with what you disagree. You can be a chameleon. Schizophrenia can be  a result of codependency.

Notice that you may be waiting for the other person to just listen: You are not seeking or allowing real discussion, but making pronouncements, and issuing edicts. While someone else is talking, you are generally just waiting (or insisting) for them to stop so you can make your next announcement.

See yourself almost demanding to “let me help you”: You may be easily taken in, have little discernment.You may have friends that you consider “projects”.

See that you rely on others for your “happiness”–if you can call it that–which for you, hinges on their agreement.

Recognize that you are almost surely a goodhearted person.  People become codependent because they ”care”; which has to be better than ”not” caring; recognize that there is a better way to care.

You want what’s best; but therefore, everyone else should want what you want, in your opinion–and any other opinions may be, at best, secondary to your’s.

It may be difficult (if not impossible) to do anything for you, as you may be quick to point out deficiencies in any effort made for you ; you mean this to be constructive, but it is just sniping,”making the perfect the enemy of the good”.

You may not accept compliments or favors well. You may reject proffered gifts, only to exclaim later that you could have used that!

“I’m sorry” may rarely be heard from you, except when it is obviously necessary, and then it can come out more like, “I’m sorry you don’t understand”, but some Codependents say “I’m sorry” all the time.

You may rarely say “thank you”, because you may rarely ask for a favor right out, preferring making some deal or manipulation, subconsciously.

It may be helpful or instructive for you to practice ”asking” a friend (or maybe a stranger) for help, in any little way; just, “hey, I could use some help on…”.  Follow that with a, “hey, thanks”.  If this is difficult for you, take heed.

Realize that “now” is all you will ever have.  You may live for the future, or think about the past, constantly. Observe how often you may think that life, for you, will be better “when…”.

Check these ways to identify co-dependency; see whether or not you often:

”Walk on egg shells”: living defensively (tiptoeing in your own house).

”Feel afraid to confront others”: avoiding conflict.

”Make poor or wrong decisions”: accommodating others (eg: in your finances).

”Tell little white lies”: to avoid anger and conflict with others.

”Feel angry with yourself”: letting others get their way?

”Blame yourself”: for the others dissatisfactions.

”Overprotect unwanted behaviors”: eg, concealing alcohol or drug use, other addictions of others.

”Get hurt emotionally”: by the others behavior.

”Feel used”: but consider that you must make that as a sacrifice.

”Are unable to say “no”.

Add observable behaviors of codependency of which you are aware.

You may:

Find it difficult to set boundaries on the other persons behavior.

Feel responsible for the lack of success or ambition of others.

Find it difficult to break a poor relationship or leave an abusive person.

Feel as if you need to do more, be more, and generally feel dissatisfied with your inability to change or control the other persons happiness.

Give too much information (as a symptom of poor boundary formation); you may have been accused of giving “too much information”.

Cause others to “walk on eggshells” around you.

*The best advice for interacting with a Codependent seems to be…don’t!

*If not interacting with them is not an option, it will help you (and them) greatly if you have a prepared answer, something like, “I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that”, or a similar innocuous answer.  When they ask, “why not?”, as they surely will, it will help to recognize that you don’t owe them an answer, and a restatement, such as, “I just wouldn’t”, will often bring the Codependency to light, as they may quite likely get upset, and possibly start acting out and, while it can be difficult in this situation, do your best to avoid any snideness.

*People who must interact with a Codependent often feel “forced” into telling an offhand lie in answer to a Codependent’s manipulative question, and this should be avoided; recognize that it is completely within your rights to say, “I wouldn’t be comfortable answering that question”.

Codependents may become much happier and more socially fulfilled by changing their habits of relating to others to allow individualization.  Many times, that may be all it is; habits of relating that you are no longer ego-attached to, or never were.*

If you are Codependent, but are able to grasp as much, life can become a lot better quickly, because a kind of “switch” sometimes gets thrown, mentally, and you just stop a lot of the codependent behaviors, seemingly overnight; you are now giving people enough room to be themselves, to be free, in a sense.  People quickly notice, too, in like a couple of weeks.  You are creating a positive feedback loop that will pay dividends.  You may still notice quite a few codependent behaviors in yourself; but you’ll begin noticing them, which is a huge step as long as you don’t ignore them.

*Set boundaries and maintain them.

*Encourage the recipient of any help you’re giving, such as problem family and friends, to get help.

*Recognize that your biggest fear as a Codependent, being shunned socially, is what you are inadvertently encouraging with these types of behaviors, and that you will attract people to you when they see that you are about your business, but willing to lend a hand.

*Keeping a ”finger in everyone’s pie”, usually gets worse until the codependent recognizes the difficulty at least somewhat and begins to seek to really change (hopefully not to just withdraw or postpone). Then the codependent may continue to alleviate, mitigate the damages that have been done to one’s own life and to those lives who should be the closest/but probably are now alienated, around oneself.

*Do not revert to unreasonable caring, while never receiving permissions and certainly no real appreciation or thanks.

*The codependent-giver, though respectable, is easily drawn into dysfunctional relationships and must change or become more stuck or alienated.

*The codependent person may become cynical, bitter, withdrawn, feeling  lonely, and avoided.

*One may be the most bossy, know it all; manipulative, busy-body; officious; life of the party (but not in a good way); wasteful, unreasonably caring and not correctly analyzing the situation codependent.

*Generally, one should not intervene in the lives of competent adults, but codependents do it continually.

*Do ”’not”’ get involved (codependently) by “adopting” the needy adult, homeless or unemployed who is challenged by continual bad choices or mental disability–as you would likely, quickly be in a dangerous and codependent relationship.

*Be aware that real dependence attracts codependents. The pattern can form beginning with an external major crisis or problem such as physical disability, divorce, separation, widowing, a house fire or natural disaster. Codependents are drawn to help wherever there’s real trouble because they are caring, helpful people. Watch for your own behavior when accepting help in emergencies or especially long term bad situations. If you start falling into codependent patterns, try to identify who in your support system is helping too much and blocking paths to independence. You have a right to hold your boundaries no matter what your situation is.