Symbiotic relationships simply put, are those with no boundaries. Often found with parent and child, a mother who eats off the child’s plate or goes through their things snooping. There are no boundaries and the child accepts it and feels guilt for having a life, so the cycle continues. Also many symbiotic relationships can morph from romantic bond to a brother and sister relationship or a rescuer and victim relationship or the partners may mother/father each other in a parent and child type of bond. The boundaries are so skewed that the couple cannot function without each other. It comes to mind the image of  the Ouroboros, the snake who eats its own tail, a very ancient symbol which means, that which feeds you kills you.

However the snake is constantly recreating itself. This is a more hopeful symbol than the images we get from Symbiosis which is constant feeding on each other to survive. It seems death represents change. The death of the bond creates the freedom to re-create.

Many people in symbiotic and co-dependent relationships say that they feel trapped by needy people, but perhaps they are trapped by their own neediness. You never know what’s going on in some one’s home, inside their marriage. Symbiotic and Co-dependent relationships end when one or both partners accept responsibility for their own emotional and physical well-being. Such people are then free to create healthier relationships …perhaps with each other.

From Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places by Jed Diamond

  • Healthy love is fluid and dynamic. Addictive love fears change.
  • Healthy love is gentle and comfortable. Addictive love is combative.
  • Healthy love encourages honesty. Addictive love encourages secrets.
  • Healthy love is unique. There are no ideal lovers. Addictive love is stereotyped.
  • Healthy love creates life and joy. Addictive love creates melodrama and suffering.
  • Healthy love is accepting the partner you have. Addictive love looks for more or better.
  • Healthy love is based on your desire to be with a person. Addictive love is based on need.
  • Healthy love is making yourself happy. Addictive love seeks someone to make you happy.
  • Healthy love develops after you feel safe. Addictive love tries to create bonds to avoid fear.
Secrets kill a relationship. Lack of trust and lack of faith are total deal killers. But many will accept this type of abuse, because they feel so bad about themselves they think they deserve nothing better. The intimacy dies and the two exist in faux existence perhaps living in their past successes and emotional ties which have long past.
Maybe they don’t deserve any better. Maybe they are a couple of losers who should just live with each other in a void and suffer their Karma forever LOL. Karma’s a Bitch. In any case, there is help to be had if the partners seek spiritual or psychological help. Without help and willingness to change and let go, it is doubtful that people who are embedded in these sick relationships have to tools to be honest and change their lives without outside help.
Leap of faith.. it takes fear to be courageous
Personally I believe, Twelve step programs are really good ways to start. As much as I resist Al-Anon, it has helped me tremendously.
I have learned a lot about myself through fucking up, but taking the lesson to the next level is what is in a Fool’s bag.
Note from a Sober Driver contributor:

There are 4 types of symbiosis

Mutualism- involves two species, both benefit

Commensalism- involves two species, one benefits the other is not harmed or helped

Parasitism- involves two species, one benefits the other is harmed

Amensalism- one species is inhibited or completely obliterated and one is unaffected.

For the time being we are going to discuss these types of symbiosis as they pertain to human relationships.

We all strive towards Mutualism. We strive to coexist with others in a manner that is not only enjoyable, but beneficial to both parties and neither party is harmed. Mutualism is also frequently a life long relationship between two species and weather obligate for one species or one is obligate(by necessity), the other facultative(optional). In the relationship both species are obligate, both need each other to survive. In the obligate/facultative relationship the obligate species needs the facultative species to survive, the facultative species does not necessarily need the obligate.

Commensalsim as stated previously, is a relationship between two species where one specie benefits, and the other is not harmed or helped by its presence. The extent by which the one is helped can be extended to things like housing and transportation. This sort of symbiosis in a human relationship is comparable to having a room-mate that pays rent and may or may not clean. Their presences are neither a hindrance or a help.

We are all very familiar with parasitism, one specie is harmed one benefits. A parasite is defined by its host and lifestyle, most parasites are obligate. They can invade your intestines, your blood, your integument, your brains. The harm they can cause can be minimal to severe, based on what body system they attack, and what they are going to take. A parasite can take one blood meal from its host and leave or it can latch on and continue to take blood meals for as long as they or we live. Animals and plants alike are both plagued by parasites and we are constantly as risk of becoming hosts. None of us are able to escape this in our personal dealings with other humans. Recovery  from this sort of symbiotic relationship starts with getting rid of the parasite in question. In order not to be drained of our life or at the very least irritated, we need to acquire some antiparasitic, i.e. some perspective. It is also important to recognize when one is the host in said parasitic relationship, which because of its many variations can be difficult. The best thing is to go with your first instinct, if you feel as though you are being used for someone else’s benefit, it’s surprising how often that little voice in the back of your mind is correct. It does how ever take recognition of self-worth to get out of a relationship that is parasitic. Sadly so few people do.

The most destructive symbiotic relationship is Amensalism. The host is completely drained or inhibited by another specie. The larger stronger specie drains the smaller and weaker specie till it die. When speaking on relationships, the hosts that do not find themselves a way out of parasitic symbiosis become victims of amensalism. The host has been used to the extent that they are weak and unable to sustain its own life. 

These relationships all represent different ways in which we as humans fight for life. 

Holly Go Lightly  and the Broke Offs

Clean in Two 2008

Invention of Lying


We all do it every day.  We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. Little white ones so as not to hurt another’s feelings and then there are those big, big ones. Lies about drinking drugs, affairs, so we can have our cake and eat it too. How long can a person get away with it? It takes so much energy to keep up with lies. Lies create burn out and exhaustion. I think lies are stealing. Lies steal souls and time on earth.

There is a movie called the Invention of Lying, a British movie, provocative.

It was a world where everyone had to tell the truth. Everyone was so honest, it was hurtful to those who weren’t good-looking or whatever. Some of it really funny.. You could see how lies could have helped. One day, a man told a lie to his dying mother. He told her there was a beautiful place called Heaven and she would go there and meet a man named God and one day her son would join her there.. The story continues, but you get it.

This man was lying to make his dying mom feel better. Is that OK?  What is really behind lies?

In AA, Honesty is our code. Nothing moves or happens until the wound is lanced and all the lies and poison escape.

It feels like shit, but do we tell the truth right away and blurt it all out and hurt the person we have been lying to?

The 11th step talks about except when to do so would injure them or others.

I hate to see others lying big, ugly lies and standing by and doing nothing, but I figure it’s their Karma. What would you do?

It’s kind of like seeing a parent be cruel to a kid in a grocery store. Do you step in and correct the parent? Yes, I would, I have. A child is defenseless, but one would figure an adult would have enough snap or intuition to figure it out.

Is it best to just figure the other person deserves to be lied to. Their Karma too?? But what kind of Karma does one create for themselves if they do nothing?

It is clear to me that there are just really, sick people in the world who lie and steal our souls and if we are so intent on getting our egos satisfied with winning, then we will never grow spiritually. So, do we just not do anything about people being dishonest? Or do we call then out and tell them our opinion and our belief?

What would Bill

Where’s freakin’ Jesus and Buddha when you need them?

“Be Impeccable With Your Word.” Don Miguel Ruiz

John Lennon

Just Give Me Some Truth

Without Fear

“Fearlessness is the first requirement of spirituality,” Ghandi observed. “Cowards,” he noted, “can never be moral.”

It is for this reason that we need a working faith that can counteract even our deepest fears, helping us to face both life and even death, as the case may be.

Today we face fear with faith. Our Higher Power has us.

Go Ahead!!!!

JUMP into your future.

JUMP into freedom from bondage.

JUMP into the life you are meant to live!!

Life ain’t for cowards…or sissies.

Deathcab for Cutie

Pity and Fear

I have such envy for the stranger lying next to me
Who awakes in the night and slips out into the pre-dawn light
No words, a clean escape, no promises or messes made
And chalks it all up to mistake, mistake, mistake

There are no tears, just pity and fear
The vast ravine right in between

A storm at sea, bow cracked and I was capsizing
I sunk below where I swore I would never go
If you can’t stand in place, you can’t tell who’s walking away
From who remains, who stays, who stays, who stays

There are no tears, just pity and fear
The vast ravine right in between

There are no tears, just pity and fear
I recall the push more than the fall
The push more than the fall

When You’re Ready You’re Ready

The Changing Magnolia

Sadly when friends or family are having a hard time and there is nothing we can do to help, it can be so painful. I know it was hard for my friends and family to stand by and watch me when I was using. The journey is just harder for some. Letting go of what is dead and over seems to be the hardest for all of us. We keep trying to blow life into it and fluff it up and make it look good on the outside, but we really know in our guts there is no hope. Why do we insist on hanging on to what doesn’t work?

Bottom line every one has their own Higher Power. No one can fix another. We have to find our way on our own. I can see how people feel they wasted their lives and time trying to let go of an addiction, but you’re ready when you’re ready. No one can make you quit. You have to find that power of choice within yourself. Sadly, many people live with addiction, never getting their needs met their entire lives.

Listen to your gut. It will tell you the truth. We are powerful when we can finally hear our own voice and stop believing the lies we tell ourselves. Alcohol and drugs lie. They can make you believe in fairy tales. We thought we were the shit when we drank. Any addiction that gives us false power will do the trick. As humans we all participate in this delusion. No wonder no one went up in the rapture. We are all a bunch of fuck ups!! Beautifully Flawed.

Honestly, I do believe that we are all flawed, but not beyond redemption.

Take the first step without fear. There is a beautiful world waiting…


Beautiful World

IF Only

Loss is an amazing lesson we all have to face. It sucks. it’s painful and we can stay angry and unhappy for years. Every day we have losses, some small, some enormous. We don’t get what we want and we feel like there was something we coulda’ shoulda’ done to change the outcome..

We think, “If only, I had done something different, I coulda changed the way things turned out. If I  had been smarter or thinner or had more money or shown up on time, worn something different or just hadn’t driven down that street today. If only I were better looking or healthier, maybe things would have turned out differently.”

We stay mad at ourselves and those who didn’t give us what we want.

Again with the acceptance. The only thing we can do is accept our losses and move on.

Nothing we change on the outside will change what is damaged and lost. It’s an inside job. Letting go and moving on out of fantasy of what we want and getting what we need is the only way to get out of the pain of loss.

Some of us are willing to accept that nagging feeling that some thing isn’t quite right We believe in our own lie to ourself and discount what we know we need to change. We have so much fear of letting go and trusting our Higher Power. Sadly, many of us settle.

So, maybe loss isn’t as bad as accepting a life sentence of not getting our needs met.

I don’t want to say “if Only” at the end of my life….

Sonic Youth

From Rather Ripped

Jams Run Free 2008

Blasted earth
All immersed
Gold in cave
The blondes come first

I love the way you move
I hope it’s not
too late for me
it’s too good on the sea
where the light is green,
where the light is green

Jagged brain
Slow refrain
We love the jams,
and jams run free

I love the way you move
I hope it’s not
too late for me
it’s too good on the sea
where the light is green,
where the light is green

Jagged brain
Slow refrain

Be Here NOW

Look to this day
This very life of life
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence
The bliss of growth
The splendor of action
the glory of power–

For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision
But today, well lived
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore to this day

Lion Heart

Sometimes we let our fear paralyze us.

Fear and cowardly behavior is a huge negative road block to our spiritual connection.

This is why …

We walked through fear and guess what? We are still alive.

Our feelings didn’t kill us.

My fear didn’t kill me and the people I had to face up to were actually understanding and loving.

Any one who really loves will let  go.

Trust is everything.

When that trust is broken over and over and no progress is being made, it is time to face our fears.

As long as we are taking the steps, we will be there for each other for support.

The minute we hesitate we lose connection with others and with our Higher Power.

Change happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go.

Hold dearly what is printed on our AA Chip.

Recovery, Service, Unity

To thine own self be true and the courage to change the things I can.

Rock it!!!


New York Dolls


Good Morning Eeyore,’ said Pooh

‘Good Morning Pooh Bear,’ said Eeyore gloomily.

‘If it is a good morning, which I doubt.’

Doncha just want to punish all the A-holes who make our life hard? Slap a little passive aggressive behavior on their ass and whip em’ all…shoot at their feet, make em’ dance..punish them for not giving us what we want? The random a-hole who works for corporation that’s just doing their job as they are trained and they are such robots that you want to bitch slap them back to life or how about our loving family who just won’t snap to your will, won’t behave they way you think they should? Or everyone around you is completely self-absorbed or your boss is making your life hell or just any one who comes with in a few feet from you is subject to your wrath. Maybe there is illness in your life or some one has passed away or your spouse is cheating on you or your maid stole the silverware or your husband thinks you’re the maid or that freaking puzzle excuse for furniture you bought at Ikea is impossible to assemble?  You wrecked your car, your computer has a blue screen, you get dropped calls…Every one sucks and life sucks and your attitude could make Eeoyre look cheery.

Boo fuckin’ hoo…

OK what is the solution?

AA suggests writing a Gratitude list. Yeah, that’s right write down or make a mental list of everything you are grateful for. I do this kicking and screaming at times, but it always gets me out of my high class problems very quickly. Having a fit over little things that break in the house or my life not going the way I think it should or even something as serious as some one passing away, is just not an option any more. No room for selfish, sophomoric people, childish behavior or difficult situations we have no control over. We focus on what we have…We become grateful and useful and grow the fuck up.  Our problems don’t make us unique or special.

We need to quit punishing ourselves and others and do as the Pooh.

 “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?”

Winnie the Pooh quote

Holly Golightly & The Brokeoffs – You Can’t Buy a Gun When You’re Crying 2007

It’s been all hard luck and lonesome
So I’m going home to stay
You’re the darkness in my soul
You know, the price I cannot pay
It’s been all fucked up and dumb
No I won’t be back no more
You’re the part of me I loathe the most
The demons at my door
One thing I’m done tryin’
You can’t buy a gun when you’re
Crying your heart out
You see what you have done
It’s been all hard luck and lonesome
All fucked up and dumb
It’s been all
Fucked up and dumb
No I won’t be back no more
You’re the part of me I loathe the most
The demons at my door
One thing I’m done trying
You can’t buy a gun when you’re
Crying your heart out
You see what you have done
It’s been all hard luck and lonesome
All fucked up and dumb
But you can’t buy a gun
Can’t buy a gun

Emotional Independence

No one can make you happy. Happiness is a choice.
Our purpose is to stay sober and help others.

Anything else is lagniappe, a little sumpin” extra.

“Happiness is overrated.”
The point isn’t always to feel happy, the point is to feel and be alive in our skin.

Don’t get too taken in by the good times.

Don’t get too taken in by the bad times.

No Pressure, No diamonds.

“Rejoice when you suffer, for you are being perfected for a calling.”

Is this some shite or what..??
Pain sucks!

Perhaps our calling is to be an example of sobriety. Our calling, may be to be, an example of honesty or bravery or taking control of our lives and not allowing anyone to use us or control us or treat us like doormats.

 Photo by F.Carter Smith

Is pain growth?
People and situations who have given us the worst disappointments in life have been our greatest teachers. They are who teach us what we don’t want in our lives or in our relationships.

Fuck those assholes!

I say, “Stick with the winners. Don’t settle on second best or being second best and above all, don’t lose our voices, our independence, ourselves by being a doormat for others to walk on.”

What is the pay off of being dependent on others to make us happy?

What is the cost of trying to make every one around us happy?

It is not up to us to “make” others happy. Being happy is a personal choice.

Being able to control other’s happiness is illusion…

If we never want any thing, if we  just settle and not feel anything, we may “think” we are happy or wait around until some else “makes” us happy, if we never risk change, we never get to grow and really feel and experience what life has to offer, good or bad. Now that’s a choice. We ain’t amoebas baby.

Hey, getting out of bed every day is risky

There’s a big world out there, a lot of choices, if we can overcome fear and get out there and live.

Doormat by Robert Borden (This little guy has a lot of wisdom)