This has been the hardest lesson for most of us.
“Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.”
Step 10. From 12 x 12
Ferme la bouche
” That means,
“Shut the Fuck up..
Mouth of a Story
Symbiotic relationships simply put, are those with no boundaries. Often found with parent and child, a mother who eats off the child’s plate or goes through their things snooping. There are no boundaries and the child accepts it and feels guilt for having a life, so the cycle continues. Also many symbiotic relationships can morph from romantic bond to a brother and sister relationship or a rescuer and victim relationship or the partners may mother/father each other in a parent and child type of bond. The boundaries are so skewed that the couple cannot function without each other. It comes to mind the image of the Ouroboros, the snake who eats its own tail, a very ancient symbol which means, that which feeds you kills you.
However the snake is constantly recreating itself. This is a more hopeful symbol than the images we get from Symbiosis which is constant feeding on each other to survive. It seems death represents change. The death of the bond creates the freedom to re-create.
Many people in symbiotic and co-dependent relationships say that they feel trapped by needy people, but perhaps they are trapped by their own neediness. You never know what’s going on in some one’s home, inside their marriage. Symbiotic and Co-dependent relationships end when one or both partners accept responsibility for their own emotional and physical well-being. Such people are then free to create healthier relationships …perhaps with each other.
From Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places by Jed Diamond
- Healthy love is fluid and dynamic. Addictive love fears change.
- Healthy love is gentle and comfortable. Addictive love is combative.
- Healthy love encourages honesty. Addictive love encourages secrets.
- Healthy love is unique. There are no ideal lovers. Addictive love is stereotyped.
- Healthy love creates life and joy. Addictive love creates melodrama and suffering.
- Healthy love is accepting the partner you have. Addictive love looks for more or better.
- Healthy love is based on your desire to be with a person. Addictive love is based on need.
- Healthy love is making yourself happy. Addictive love seeks someone to make you happy.
- Healthy love develops after you feel safe. Addictive love tries to create bonds to avoid fear.
There are 4 types of symbiosis
Mutualism- involves two species, both benefit
Commensalism- involves two species, one benefits the other is not harmed or helped
Parasitism- involves two species, one benefits the other is harmed
Amensalism- one species is inhibited or completely obliterated and one is unaffected.
For the time being we are going to discuss these types of symbiosis as they pertain to human relationships.
We all strive towards Mutualism. We strive to coexist with others in a manner that is not only enjoyable, but beneficial to both parties and neither party is harmed. Mutualism is also frequently a life long relationship between two species and weather obligate for one species or one is obligate(by necessity), the other facultative(optional). In the relationship both species are obligate, both need each other to survive. In the obligate/facultative relationship the obligate species needs the facultative species to survive, the facultative species does not necessarily need the obligate.
Commensalsim as stated previously, is a relationship between two species where one specie benefits, and the other is not harmed or helped by its presence. The extent by which the one is helped can be extended to things like housing and transportation. This sort of symbiosis in a human relationship is comparable to having a room-mate that pays rent and may or may not clean. Their presences are neither a hindrance or a help.
We are all very familiar with parasitism, one specie is harmed one benefits. A parasite is defined by its host and lifestyle, most parasites are obligate. They can invade your intestines, your blood, your integument, your brains. The harm they can cause can be minimal to severe, based on what body system they attack, and what they are going to take. A parasite can take one blood meal from its host and leave or it can latch on and continue to take blood meals for as long as they or we live. Animals and plants alike are both plagued by parasites and we are constantly as risk of becoming hosts. None of us are able to escape this in our personal dealings with other humans. Recovery from this sort of symbiotic relationship starts with getting rid of the parasite in question. In order not to be drained of our life or at the very least irritated, we need to acquire some antiparasitic, i.e. some perspective. It is also important to recognize when one is the host in said parasitic relationship, which because of its many variations can be difficult. The best thing is to go with your first instinct, if you feel as though you are being used for someone else’s benefit, it’s surprising how often that little voice in the back of your mind is correct. It does how ever take recognition of self-worth to get out of a relationship that is parasitic. Sadly so few people do.
The most destructive symbiotic relationship is Amensalism. The host is completely drained or inhibited by another specie. The larger stronger specie drains the smaller and weaker specie till it die. When speaking on relationships, the hosts that do not find themselves a way out of parasitic symbiosis become victims of amensalism. The host has been used to the extent that they are weak and unable to sustain its own life.
These relationships all represent different ways in which we as humans fight for life.
Holly Go Lightly and the Broke Offs
We all do it every day. We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. Little white ones so as not to hurt another’s feelings and then there are those big, big ones. Lies about drinking drugs, affairs, so we can have our cake and eat it too. How long can a person get away with it? It takes so much energy to keep up with lies. Lies create burn out and exhaustion. I think lies are stealing. Lies steal souls and time on earth.
There is a movie called the Invention of Lying, a British movie, provocative. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1058017/
It was a world where everyone had to tell the truth. Everyone was so honest, it was hurtful to those who weren’t good-looking or whatever. Some of it really funny.. You could see how lies could have helped. One day, a man told a lie to his dying mother. He told her there was a beautiful place called Heaven and she would go there and meet a man named God and one day her son would join her there.. The story continues, but you get it.
This man was lying to make his dying mom feel better. Is that OK? What is really behind lies?
In AA, Honesty is our code. Nothing moves or happens until the wound is lanced and all the lies and poison escape.
It feels like shit, but do we tell the truth right away and blurt it all out and hurt the person we have been lying to?
I hate to see others lying big, ugly lies and standing by and doing nothing, but I figure it’s their Karma. What would you do?
It’s kind of like seeing a parent be cruel to a kid in a grocery store. Do you step in and correct the parent? Yes, I would, I have. A child is defenseless, but one would figure an adult would have enough snap or intuition to figure it out.
Is it best to just figure the other person deserves to be lied to. Their Karma too?? But what kind of Karma does one create for themselves if they do nothing?
It is clear to me that there are just really, sick people in the world who lie and steal our souls and if we are so intent on getting our egos satisfied with winning, then we will never grow spiritually. So, do we just not do anything about people being dishonest? Or do we call then out and tell them our opinion and our belief?
What would Bill W.do?
Where’s freakin’ Jesus and Buddha when you need them?
“Be Impeccable With Your Word.” Don Miguel Ruiz
Just Give Me Some Truth
Sometimes someone will play along and let you think you have them under control, but the truth is no one can control anyone. It is all smoke and mirrors, illusion.
Doubt, fear and making that person think they owe us something, giving, giving, giving ourselves over to them so they feel guilty about trying to separate and individualize. There are so many forms of micro-managing.
“Remember just because someone is opinionated doesn’t mean they are controlling. A good test to tell the difference between someone who is just very opinionated or controlling is if they willingly accept or tolerate differences between you and them and don’t try to change any part of your core person or personality.”
We are free and have free choice and that is what is so cool about being human.
Claim your power!
Complete Control 1983
It’s really super hard to stand by and watch some one you love struggle with addiction or some other form of spiritual sickness.
I am such a fixer, that I want to get in there and make it all better for whoever is going through the storm.
I can only fix myself…
Life is so short. The older I get, the more I get it.
The death of Bin Laden, a historical moment in time.
The world keeps spinning and justice is done.
The Byrds 1965
Turn Turn Turn
No one can make you happy. Happiness is a choice.
Our purpose is to stay sober and help others.
Anything else is lagniappe, a little sumpin” extra.
“Happiness is overrated.”
The point isn’t always to feel happy, the point is to feel and be alive in our skin.
Don’t get too taken in by the good times.
Don’t get too taken in by the bad times.
No Pressure, No diamonds.
“Rejoice when you suffer, for you are being perfected for a calling.”
Is this some shite or what..??
Perhaps our calling is to be an example of sobriety. Our calling, may be to be, an example of honesty or bravery or taking control of our lives and not allowing anyone to use us or control us or treat us like doormats.
Is pain growth?
People and situations who have given us the worst disappointments in life have been our greatest teachers. They are who teach us what we don’t want in our lives or in our relationships.
Fuck those assholes!
I say, “Stick with the winners. Don’t settle on second best or being second best and above all, don’t lose our voices, our independence, ourselves by being a doormat for others to walk on.”
What is the pay off of being dependent on others to make us happy?
What is the cost of trying to make every one around us happy?
It is not up to us to “make” others happy. Being happy is a personal choice.
Being able to control other’s happiness is illusion…
If we never want any thing, if we just settle and not feel anything, we may “think” we are happy or wait around until some else “makes” us happy, if we never risk change, we never get to grow and really feel and experience what life has to offer, good or bad. Now that’s a choice. We ain’t amoebas baby.
Hey, getting out of bed every day is risky
There’s a big world out there, a lot of choices, if we can overcome fear and get out there and live.
Doormat by Robert Borden (This little guy has a lot of wisdom)
We romance independence and never ask for help or companionship, so we can prove our “Strength.”
I find it easy and some what lazy to be alone. Much less hassle than having to actually relate to or love someone or risk my heart.
Being alone protects us from getting hurt or disappointed.
Ya, it’s a really good solution, right?
We also get the opportunity to feel sorry for ourselves because we are misunderstood or be a hater of all the people out there who are beneath our intelligence and greatness.
Spending time in graveyards is a solution. You never have to have a real relationship with any one there.
“I’m a loner baby. That’s how I roll.”
“It’s lonely at the top”
One is the loneliest number.
Feeling alone even when you’re with someone really sucks.
We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” Orson Welles
|“WHEN I FEEL ALONE OR LEFT OUT THE FIRST THING I WANT TO DO IS , CRAWL IN MY BED AND ROLL UP AND FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF.”|
“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” Henry Rollins
I love, love, love this song… so, so, so feel this…saw her in 1980 Hot Club Dallas.
I Think We’re Alone Now (Tommy James and Shondells song)
Lene Lovich 1979 (American Born raised in London)
Since I have become sober, I have gotten more clear and enjoy life more in so many ways. I have amazing coincidences that some may say are psychic. I have read tarot cards since I was twelve years old. At times I feel some thing is going to happen and it does or I think of someone and then they call or I see them or a weird phenomena happens, an incident, and I know it is a message, a sign to protect me or let me know truth.
It only happens when I’m willing to see, willing to listen, willing to believe and have faith. I guess this is how people believe in God in church.
Still not an exact science. I still get fucked over and still twist life to suit me at times.
I grew up believing in love.
God was love in my family. I had very little traditional church experience, but I always believed there was something that was good that helped me and loved me. I didn’t think I was worthy. Now it has turned into a faith that all will work out one way or another if I just go along with what my inner self says, that voice that tells the truth.
Now this all may sound airy-fairy, hippy-dippy, but of course, intuition is age-old.
I find spending time in quiet helps. Being an only child, I am so easily alone. Too much alone, not so much, but quiet is different.
Computers, phones, texts and our busy lives in general cloud the purity of intuition.
So many of us are out of touch.
Addiction in any form blocks our ability to know truth.
Un-Hooking from electronics a little more these days has been amazing for getting in touch.
Stolen Kisses 1982 (I absolutely love and relate to this song)
Enter the tiny room, watched by scepters, hope and happiness playing trumpets, dog swimming in heavy water For the glory of gloom, dark songs on sunlight flower. Enclosed in your skin. All perfection spent in your arms. Stolen kisses In retrospect this beauty is, "What you see." The second part, the move, "Is me." Onwards and upwards, the prize is the game to come. And there's nothing to miss in the laughter and tears of love. There always are difficult moods, yet sensual bonds of obsession.
My mom once said to me, “Love is a series of Tiny Surrenders.”
Hat’s off to you parents for this really hard job.
And for those of us who love our pets so much, we put clothes on them, humanize them and worry about them to the point of, “Huh?
Allowing our animals to be the beautiful animals they were meant to be can be a struggle, finding true love beyond trying to make them human can be a lot of work for some of us.
Our families, a special kind of love. No, we didn’t get to choose them, but if we are lucky we will like each other and get to have a bond that is incredibly special. Hopefully, we respect and truly love each other and can rely on our family always being there. Sometimes this can be a struggle. Sometimes a true miracle will occur.
Friendships, we get to chose, and friends come and go, but the ones that stay no matter any disagreement and personality issues, whom we can trust with our secrets and tell all our problems to. This love is beyond words, how friends have pulled us from the depths of despair. Much like the bond of our AA friendships and family. This is such a special love, truly being present for each other, because we choose to be.
And romantic love? Who really gets this any way? Is it mostly a chemical thing when two people click on all levels of mind, body, heart and spirit…way more complex than any other relationship? Sometimes it’s just not meant to be and we try to force this and make a relationship happen or make some one love us, or miss someone that our hearts hurt beyond human forbearance. But what is truth?
Addiction keeps us from truth, much less love. We are only interested in what we want when we want it. We use control and guilt and shame and sneaky ways to get it, like a drink for an alcoholic. People left in our wake may not be able to handle our behavior.
True love hides from force. True love can leap from tall buildings in a single bound and needs to be free.
That old saying, “If you love something let it go (in AA, we say no half measures) and if it comes back to you, it was yours all along”
Really says it all.
If you, or someone you know, is battling to shed their cocoon, keep in mind, true love may require that you allow them to struggle for a season, to gain strength to become that beautiful butterfly.
Ina Gadda Da Vida 1968