Restraint of Tongue and Pen


This has been the hardest lesson for most of us.

“Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.”
Step 10. From 12 x 12

So

Ferme la bouche

” That means,

“Shut the Fuck up..

Mouth of a Story

The Raincoats


Symbiosis


Symbiotic relationships simply put, are those with no boundaries. Often found with parent and child, a mother who eats off the child’s plate or goes through their things snooping. There are no boundaries and the child accepts it and feels guilt for having a life, so the cycle continues. Also many symbiotic relationships can morph from romantic bond to a brother and sister relationship or a rescuer and victim relationship or the partners may mother/father each other in a parent and child type of bond. The boundaries are so skewed that the couple cannot function without each other. It comes to mind the image of  the Ouroboros, the snake who eats its own tail, a very ancient symbol which means, that which feeds you kills you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ouroboros

However the snake is constantly recreating itself. This is a more hopeful symbol than the images we get from Symbiosis which is constant feeding on each other to survive. It seems death represents change. The death of the bond creates the freedom to re-create.

Many people in symbiotic and co-dependent relationships say that they feel trapped by needy people, but perhaps they are trapped by their own neediness. You never know what’s going on in some one’s home, inside their marriage. Symbiotic and Co-dependent relationships end when one or both partners accept responsibility for their own emotional and physical well-being. Such people are then free to create healthier relationships …perhaps with each other.

From Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places by Jed Diamond

  • Healthy love is fluid and dynamic. Addictive love fears change.
  • Healthy love is gentle and comfortable. Addictive love is combative.
  • Healthy love encourages honesty. Addictive love encourages secrets.
  • Healthy love is unique. There are no ideal lovers. Addictive love is stereotyped.
  • Healthy love creates life and joy. Addictive love creates melodrama and suffering.
  • Healthy love is accepting the partner you have. Addictive love looks for more or better.
  • Healthy love is based on your desire to be with a person. Addictive love is based on need.
  • Healthy love is making yourself happy. Addictive love seeks someone to make you happy.
  • Healthy love develops after you feel safe. Addictive love tries to create bonds to avoid fear.
Secrets kill a relationship. Lack of trust and lack of faith are total deal killers. But many will accept this type of abuse, because they feel so bad about themselves they think they deserve nothing better. The intimacy dies and the two exist in faux existence perhaps living in their past successes and emotional ties which have long past.
Maybe they don’t deserve any better. Maybe they are a couple of losers who should just live with each other in a void and suffer their Karma forever LOL. Karma’s a Bitch. In any case, there is help to be had if the partners seek spiritual or psychological help. Without help and willingness to change and let go, it is doubtful that people who are embedded in these sick relationships have to tools to be honest and change their lives without outside help.
Leap of faith.. it takes fear to be courageous
Personally I believe, Twelve step programs are really good ways to start. As much as I resist Al-Anon, it has helped me tremendously.
I have learned a lot about myself through fucking up, but taking the lesson to the next level is what is in a Fool’s bag.
Note from a Sober Driver contributor:

There are 4 types of symbiosis

Mutualism- involves two species, both benefit

Commensalism- involves two species, one benefits the other is not harmed or helped

Parasitism- involves two species, one benefits the other is harmed

Amensalism- one species is inhibited or completely obliterated and one is unaffected.

For the time being we are going to discuss these types of symbiosis as they pertain to human relationships.

We all strive towards Mutualism. We strive to coexist with others in a manner that is not only enjoyable, but beneficial to both parties and neither party is harmed. Mutualism is also frequently a life long relationship between two species and weather obligate for one species or one is obligate(by necessity), the other facultative(optional). In the relationship both species are obligate, both need each other to survive. In the obligate/facultative relationship the obligate species needs the facultative species to survive, the facultative species does not necessarily need the obligate.

Commensalsim as stated previously, is a relationship between two species where one specie benefits, and the other is not harmed or helped by its presence. The extent by which the one is helped can be extended to things like housing and transportation. This sort of symbiosis in a human relationship is comparable to having a room-mate that pays rent and may or may not clean. Their presences are neither a hindrance or a help.

We are all very familiar with parasitism, one specie is harmed one benefits. A parasite is defined by its host and lifestyle, most parasites are obligate. They can invade your intestines, your blood, your integument, your brains. The harm they can cause can be minimal to severe, based on what body system they attack, and what they are going to take. A parasite can take one blood meal from its host and leave or it can latch on and continue to take blood meals for as long as they or we live. Animals and plants alike are both plagued by parasites and we are constantly as risk of becoming hosts. None of us are able to escape this in our personal dealings with other humans. Recovery  from this sort of symbiotic relationship starts with getting rid of the parasite in question. In order not to be drained of our life or at the very least irritated, we need to acquire some antiparasitic, i.e. some perspective. It is also important to recognize when one is the host in said parasitic relationship, which because of its many variations can be difficult. The best thing is to go with your first instinct, if you feel as though you are being used for someone else’s benefit, it’s surprising how often that little voice in the back of your mind is correct. It does how ever take recognition of self-worth to get out of a relationship that is parasitic. Sadly so few people do.

The most destructive symbiotic relationship is Amensalism. The host is completely drained or inhibited by another specie. The larger stronger specie drains the smaller and weaker specie till it die. When speaking on relationships, the hosts that do not find themselves a way out of parasitic symbiosis become victims of amensalism. The host has been used to the extent that they are weak and unable to sustain its own life. 

These relationships all represent different ways in which we as humans fight for life. 

Holly Go Lightly  and the Broke Offs

Clean in Two 2008


Invention of Lying


LIES

We all do it every day.  We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. Little white ones so as not to hurt another’s feelings and then there are those big, big ones. Lies about drinking drugs, affairs, so we can have our cake and eat it too. How long can a person get away with it? It takes so much energy to keep up with lies. Lies create burn out and exhaustion. I think lies are stealing. Lies steal souls and time on earth.

There is a movie called the Invention of Lying, a British movie, provocative. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1058017/

It was a world where everyone had to tell the truth. Everyone was so honest, it was hurtful to those who weren’t good-looking or whatever. Some of it really funny.. You could see how lies could have helped. One day, a man told a lie to his dying mother. He told her there was a beautiful place called Heaven and she would go there and meet a man named God and one day her son would join her there.. The story continues, but you get it.

This man was lying to make his dying mom feel better. Is that OK?  What is really behind lies?

In AA, Honesty is our code. Nothing moves or happens until the wound is lanced and all the lies and poison escape.

It feels like shit, but do we tell the truth right away and blurt it all out and hurt the person we have been lying to?

The 11th step talks about except when to do so would injure them or others.

I hate to see others lying big, ugly lies and standing by and doing nothing, but I figure it’s their Karma. What would you do?

It’s kind of like seeing a parent be cruel to a kid in a grocery store. Do you step in and correct the parent? Yes, I would, I have. A child is defenseless, but one would figure an adult would have enough snap or intuition to figure it out.

Is it best to just figure the other person deserves to be lied to. Their Karma too?? But what kind of Karma does one create for themselves if they do nothing?

It is clear to me that there are just really, sick people in the world who lie and steal our souls and if we are so intent on getting our egos satisfied with winning, then we will never grow spiritually. So, do we just not do anything about people being dishonest? Or do we call then out and tell them our opinion and our belief?

What would Bill W.do?

Where’s freakin’ Jesus and Buddha when you need them?

“Be Impeccable With Your Word.” Don Miguel Ruiz

John Lennon

Just Give Me Some Truth


Micro-Manage


Yikes!! Do we really think we actually have control of another human being? 

Sometimes someone will play along and let you think you have them under control, but the truth is no one can control anyone. It is all smoke and mirrors, illusion.

Doubt, fear and making that person think they owe us something, giving, giving, giving ourselves over to them so they feel guilty about trying to separate and individualize. There are so many forms of micro-managing.

“Remember just because someone is opinionated doesn’t mean they are controlling. A good test to tell the difference between someone who is just very opinionated or controlling is if they willingly accept or tolerate differences between you and them and don’t try to change any part of your core person or personality.”

So complicated.

We are free and have free choice and that is what is so cool about being human.

Claim your power!

Go Ahead!

Big Boys

Complete Control 1983


And On and On…


It’s really super hard to stand by and watch some one you love struggle with addiction or some other form of spiritual sickness.

I am such a fixer, that I want to get in there and make it all better for whoever is going through the storm.

I can only fix myself…

Life is so short. The older I get, the more I get it.

The death of Bin Laden, a historical moment in time.

The world keeps spinning and justice is done.

The Byrds 1965

Turn Turn Turn


Emotional Independence


No one can make you happy. Happiness is a choice.
Our purpose is to stay sober and help others.

Anything else is lagniappe, a little sumpin” extra.

“Happiness is overrated.”
The point isn’t always to feel happy, the point is to feel and be alive in our skin.

Don’t get too taken in by the good times.

Don’t get too taken in by the bad times.

No Pressure, No diamonds.

“Rejoice when you suffer, for you are being perfected for a calling.”

Is this some shite or what..??
Pain sucks!

Perhaps our calling is to be an example of sobriety. Our calling, may be to be, an example of honesty or bravery or taking control of our lives and not allowing anyone to use us or control us or treat us like doormats.

 Photo by F.Carter Smith

Is pain growth?
People and situations who have given us the worst disappointments in life have been our greatest teachers. They are who teach us what we don’t want in our lives or in our relationships.

Fuck those assholes!

I say, “Stick with the winners. Don’t settle on second best or being second best and above all, don’t lose our voices, our independence, ourselves by being a doormat for others to walk on.”

What is the pay off of being dependent on others to make us happy?

What is the cost of trying to make every one around us happy?

It is not up to us to “make” others happy. Being happy is a personal choice.

Being able to control other’s happiness is illusion…

If we never want any thing, if we  just settle and not feel anything, we may “think” we are happy or wait around until some else “makes” us happy, if we never risk change, we never get to grow and really feel and experience what life has to offer, good or bad. Now that’s a choice. We ain’t amoebas baby.

Hey, getting out of bed every day is risky

There’s a big world out there, a lot of choices, if we can overcome fear and get out there and live.

Doormat by Robert Borden (This little guy has a lot of wisdom)

https://www.facebook.com/RobertBordenMusic


Isolation


Alcoholics think that the cure for lonliness is to be by themselves.

We romance independence and never ask for help or companionship, so we can prove our “Strength.”

I find it easy and some what lazy to be alone. Much less hassle than having to actually relate to or love someone or risk my heart.

Being alone protects us from getting hurt or disappointed.

Ya, it’s a really good solution, right?

We also get the opportunity to feel sorry for ourselves because we are misunderstood or be a hater of all the people out there who are beneath our intelligence and greatness.

Spending time in graveyards is a solution. You never have to have a real relationship with any one there.

“I’m a loner baby. That’s how I roll.”

“It’s lonely at the top”

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”
Hunter S. Thompson (The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman 1955-67)

One is the loneliest number.

Feeling alone even when you’re with someone really sucks.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alone

We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” Orson Welles

“WHEN I FEEL ALONE OR LEFT OUT THE FIRST THING I WANT TO DO IS , CRAWL IN MY BED AND ROLL UP AND FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF.”

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” Henry Rollins

LONE STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love, love, love this song… so, so, so feel this…saw her in 1980 Hot Club Dallas.

I Think We’re Alone Now (Tommy James and Shondells song)

Lene Lovich 1979 (American Born raised in London)