Love Reckons by Itself


A bizarre sensation pervades a relationship of pretense. No truth seems true. A simple morning’s greeting and response appear loaded with innuendo and fraught with implications. Each nicety becomes more sterile and each withdrawal more permanent.  

Maya Angelou

So many people drink over loss.

Country singers cry in their beer. Rockers commit suicide. Financiers jump off buildings. Suburban housewives run over their husbands and burn their clothes. Limitless suffering inflicted.

Is all this drama about love? about success? about life?

NOTHING is worth all that crazy drama.

We choose to close the door on the insanity. Our serenity is worth more than anything.

When it’s over, it’s over.

Acceptance.

Love, friendships, parents, family, business partners leave, lose a business, a job, your haircut sucks, death whatever…

Bless all whose lives have crossed our paths and let them go….

…like spit on a griddle…

Love reckons by itself -- alone -- "As large as I" -- 
relate the Sun To One who never felt it blaze -- 
Itself is all the like it has --Emily Dickinson

Leonard Cohen

Love Itself

The light came through the window,
Straight from the sun above,
And so inside my little room
There plunged the rays of Love.

In streams of light I clearly saw
The dust you seldom see,
Out of which the Nameless makes
A Name for one like me.

I’ll try to say a little more
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone.

All busy in the sunlight
The flecks did float and dance,
And I was tumbled up with them
In formless circumstance.

I’ll try to say a little more
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone.

Then I came back from where I’d been.
My room, it looked the same
But there was nothing left between
The Nameless and the Name.


Eighty


80th DAY of my 90 AA meetings in 90 days journey. The days have flown past.

Truly, it’s not that special to do a meeting a day. I know plenty of AA’ers who go to not only one meeting a day, but several. HOWEVER, for me who has been a one to two-meeting a week grrl for the last 10 or 12 years, it is so fulfilling to dedicate myself back to the program. It has been an amazing renewal. The 12th step is carrying the message to others who still suffer. Showing up at a meeting is doing the 12th step. What if you went to your first meeting and no one was there?!  Yikes!

Yesterday, a preview of Texas summer on the first day of Spring! The only thing you can count on is change! and it’s a gonna get hot here!

Today, a special day going to the park with a life long friend and her ailing Yellow Lab dog who is reaching the end of his life. I will photograph him by his favorite fountain. Again, I am grateful for being present at such special times, to be asked to be included is an honor and I am thankful for home, coffee with a crazy, stretchy puppy who has a great big, beautiful life ahead, our window-gazing and the sureness there is much to look forward to. A Place Called Home 2000

PJ Harvey

One day
I know
We’ll find
A place of hope
Just hold on to me
Just hold on to me
Walk tight
One line
You’re wanted
This time
There’s no-one to blame
Just hold on to me

And I’m right on time
And the birds keep singing
And you’re right on line
And the bells keep ringing come on my love
And the battle is won
And the planes keep winging
And I’m right on time
And the girl keeps singing

I walk
I wade
Through full lands
And lonely
I stumble
I stumble
With you
I wait
To be born
Again
With love comes the day
Just hold on to me

Now is the time to follow through, to read the signs
Now the message is sent, let’s bring it to its final end

One-day-I-know-there’ll-be-a-place-called-home.


Failure


If you give up the drink does that mean you are weak, that you can’t “handle” your liquor?

When you say alcohol is stronger than you are, does that mean you have failed?

Some of us have the disease of alcoholism and yes, alcohol is stronger than us if we put it in our bodies, but we are stronger than alcohol, if we don’t drink.

This goes for alcohol in other people’s bodies as well. I can’t stop you from drinking too much, but I can take care of myself and not be affected by what you ingest.

Is a relationship a failure if it does not stay together?

When a relationship breaks up, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t work out. It just means it worked out apart.

Trying to force a dead relationship to work is like trying to control drinking for an alcoholic.

Giving up alcohol was so much easier than trying to control it and act like all was fine. Those last few drinking years were the hardest of my life. It took all my energy to make it all look good on the outside so no one knew I was miserable. I even tried to make my relationship look like it was fine too and that was a huge joke.

I just didn’t want to admit powerlessness.

I thought I was in control.  Like I had some kind of mind control. Everything all in its place, looking the part, all neat and controlled, but inside, I was outa control for real. Besides I wasn’t fooling any one really.

False Pride is failure in my book.

Why be something that you’re not?

Now I choose the easier softer way…

It looks like quite a feat to give up alcohol for 21 years, but really it has been an amazing fun adventure.

Creep  1994

Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You’re so fucking special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I’m not around
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell I’m doing here?
I don’t belong here

She’s running out the door
She’s running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here


March the Third Step


Every month, some of our meetings focus on a step a month.

This month is Step Three.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

The words in that step used to piss me off, because Bill W. and Dr. Bob already defined my Higher Power as “Him.”

However, over twenty one years, I have softened and remembered that the modern days have become more inclusive of all kinds of interpretations of who our Higher Power is to us, personally.

It makes it a lot easier for us to come into the rooms and allow something greater than ourselves run the show.

When I first got sober, I was in a relationship in which, I was so controlling of my partner that it made me physically sick. I had just started the steps and had come to Step Three. I was in the illusion I was calling the shots in the relationship and behind my back, my partner was lying about the affairs they were having.(I hope this person is happy. I pray for all to have the good will of our Higher Power in our lives, including this ex)

I began to wake up to all the shenanigans and my partner left. I like to think they left, because now, my Higher Power was running the show and lies could not stand in the light of truth. The truth all came out in a really magical way, thanks to two very good friends who helped me out of that bondage.

By myself, I believed what I wanted to hear. I was so busy trying to control every thing, spying on my partner, feeling the dishonesty, it took up a lot of my energy and creativity and time. Not to mention I was blocking a very important relationship with someone very special. When I let go and joined up with my Higher Power, the liar left and I began to really grow up. I lived alone for a while. In fact, I have been alone many times in sobriety and I learn a lot about myself. I don’t feel sorry for myself very long. I understand I am never alone with my AA family and my Higher Power as constant presence in my life. I do the work and it pays off.

There is beauty in the breakdown.

This Growing Up in Public thing takes a lot of courage. To admit defeat over alcohol and people and let go and trust my Higher Power was the biggest step I took. This step I practice daily, some times hourly and I don’t always get what I want, but I sure as HELL get what I need!

God laughs while we are busy making plans.

My sponsor says it’s like getting in a rowboat and letting go of the oars and going with the current.

I am super grateful for this step.

Trust, faith and surrender.

Let Go

Frou Frou

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we’ve no time for later now
you can’t await your own arrival
you’ve 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown


Addiction to Whatevah, Whoevah is Around


I love this thought. It’s just so sick and real.

Any one can get familiar to one way of living or a person or a substance or a behavior or just any thing that it becomes unhealthy addiction.

Let’s make a list:

Blow up dolls comes to mind first, drugs, alcohol, food, “caring” for others, rescuing animals, people etc..,cleaning (I wish), cussing (that is a fun one), praying (it’s possible), money and things, collecting, perfectionism, fantasy, romantic love, sex, status, Let’s not forget Facebook, checking our phones or emails a million times a day, hating ourselves, guilt, narcissism, anger, worry and plenty of whatevah is in the world.

That is just so amazing to me, but it has happened to many of us over and over.

The word “familiar” rooted in “family” really says it all. How we grow up and  how we deal with living issues shapes our choices. If a child has not individuated from its parents, there will always be an unhealthy dependence not only with the parent, but with every one around. This will only stop if the healthy partner (if there is one) sets up clear boundaries.

Dependence is not a bad thing. Healthy dependence is how long-lasting relationships are shaped.

If there is not trust or respect and there is a need to hurt or get back at the other person, this is probably learned from an unhealthy experience that every thing else is measured by.

Not an easy thing to break.

Facing Co-dependence and other books on recovery are great to read, but drinking beer and reading self-help books lying on the couch was not really getting it for me.

I needed 12 step meetings. Hearing others who have the same issues and realizing there is a solution, works!

And a good 12 step counselor or therapist really helps the journey.

My friend and I are on our 47th day of  90 meetings in 90 days commitment. We don’t get to go to every meeting together, but it is so fun to have a friend on this journey when we can.

So that is how it works: The “WE” of the first step.

“WE admitted WE were powerless over _______and our lives had become unmanageable.”

(Fill in the blank as it applies to you.)

Here is a good song my meeting compadre picked on anger and road rage addiction:

Bad Habit

Offspring


Love is a Bitch


Last Valentine’s day, my dog passed away and I with the care of our wonderful veterinarian, put her to sleep in our home.

She lay in my arms as she left this Earth and I was alone with her, as it was meant to be.

This dog was a rescued Golden Retriever. The dogs I rescued, that I did not know their birth dates, I made Valentine’s day their big day.

A big love day for my gorgeous fur family.

So this year, I plan to make a huge celebration of life in memory of my grrl, her Birth and her Death Day.

Death and big stuff happens in sobriety and it is hard and sad and we all feel we will never get over our losses, but the truth is it is all how it is supposed to be. We lose, we win, we get hurt, we hurt others, our parents die, we lose a lover, our beloved pets pass away and it is just life after all.

Hanging on to loss and pain only dishonors what was beautiful and alive at one time.

So, my choice today is to celebrate and laugh and remember my sweet dog.

She only knew me sober. I had 9 years of pure love and joy with her.

And now there are other loves in my life and my heart remains open for them.

Had I been drinking, I could really wallow in my self-pity and loss,

but I have learned acceptance and that is the miracle of sobriety.

On the beach last February,my grrl and  (my very much alive, three-legged, one-eyed 2 year old puppy)