A Brush With Death
Posted: November 8, 2012 Filed under: addicts, alcoholic, change, choices, Courage, drugs, drunk, drinking, Uncategorized 1 Comment
Losing friends and family members to the disease of addiction has taught me that this disease is serious. Escaping life and getting fucked up can be really fun and some times humorous, but those of us that have suffered the reality of loss know the final destination is not funny.
We can sit in meetings and laugh at all the stupid things we have done, but when we actually lose a loved one to this disease and they die, it gets really real. Most of us either are or know a person who is an addict. If that person never has the desire to change, then the possibility of death, insanity or imprisonment are supremely real.
When we “get it, the desire to change burns in our hearts like a tattoo made with a branding iron.
It is the only passion that can save us. Without it we stay in our sick situations: Drinking, snorting, shooting up. eating, smoking, cheating or turning a blind eye to all of the latter keeps us from attaining our true path.
To be a better more effective person is not always a desire in a person’s life. Sometimes mediocre getting by and accepting an unfinished life is all we will ever aspire to.
Our Higher Power can create miracles, but can our Higher Power give us desire?
Do we stay in the wake of a short trip to death or in a long slow eroded life and never have the desire to change?
I was given grace. I was given a burning desire to change my life and I have accepted all the circumstances of the change. I was 35 years old and maybe I had more drunks in me, but I was given the choice and I was ready that day. I took the hand of life and I made a choice to live.
I am forever grateful for that gift of desperation.
I have walked through some pretty stupid situations sober. It is not always easy to stumble around sober completely aware of being like a child learning to walk. This can be awkward when you’re a grown person.
But in the effort to grow there have been times I see how being sober can help others. We have talked a fellow addict off a ledge, poured the liquor down the sink, dragged their asses to a meeting, sat up into the wee hours with them, spent hours on the phone, using our gifts to create another and another reprieve from a brush with death.
Drama you say? Funny? This fucking disease kills.
But,
I choose sobriety today one day at a time…
and I am forever grateful.
Give Up What You Love the Most
Posted: February 12, 2012 Filed under: 12 steps, Courage, Letting go, recovery, Sobriety 1 CommentStep 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7 Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
For further study, click below:
Drop The Rock A study of Steps 6 and 7
When we first read the sixth step, we thought “This one is easy. Why hold on to our character defects?”
As we progressed in recovery, we realized this step was pivotal, and not as easy as we thought.
Denial is that part of us that really does not see that we are being dishonest. We can make bizarre behavior make sense. Some of our “character defects” are so ingrained in our personalities that we believe them to be a necessary part of us. Letting go of our need to change or control others is a difficult behavior to change when, we have very little, or no control over a situation. Perhaps we developed dishonest behaviors to make order of our lives, or make difficult situations tolerable.
Shame is the belief that we are “broken”, or that something is wrong with us as human beings. Shame is the core component of addiction.
Addiction is a violent disease that destroys addicts and those who love them. Addiction tells us we are defective human beings that deserve pain and suffering.
Step 6 can give the suffering alcoholic a step towards relief.
Followed by the 7th step, true humility can be attained.
Getting Down to Basics
Posted: December 26, 2011 Filed under: 12 steps, AA meetings, alcohal, change, Courage, Uncategorized | Tags: anne sexton, chinese year of the dragon, st michael the archangel Leave a commentThree things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
Buddha
When we have problems we look to some thing outside of us to fix us. Everything we try, drugs alcohol, food, relationships, shopping, even therapy can’t fix us.
But
If we can get real and get honest with ourselves the truth will set us free.
Denial is a strong prison.
Going to meetings saves us, but meetings can’t do it for us, if we are unwilling to be honest with ourselves.
Sometimes just keeping our selves in the seats at a meeting is enough to get through a day and stay sober, but to really live the life our Higher Power wants for us, we need to get down to basic truth and face whatever it is we are concealing from ourselves.
The New Year coming up will give us opportunities for resolution. Chinese Year of The Dragon. Equal to St.Michael the Archangel, the Dragon leads the Chinese New Year Parades to ward off the evil energy.
Let’s go into 2012 with open eyes and take some action to change our lives for the better. The Planets are lining up and there is much magic ahead.
Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
Dostoevsky
Love and a Cough
“As it has been said:
Love and a cough
cannot be concealed.
Even a small cough.
Even a small love.”
― Anne Sexton
HOT Original Nature
Posted: August 8, 2011 Filed under: 12 steps, AA meetings, addicts, alcoholic, change, Courage, inspiration, recovery, Sober, sobriety, music, love, Uncategorized Leave a commentPatti Davis, Ronald Reagan’s daughter, got clean and sober and changed her life in her late twenties. She is a person who has lived her life with out being told who she should be.
Will Patti be on her death bed asking, “What if my whole life was wrong?” Tolstoy
Beautiful Patti at 58
Patti on Amy Winehouse
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2085335,00.html#ixzz1UTIYtbJE
“When I eventually quit — after many years — it was for the simplest, most childlike reason: my father had taught me to trust God, and I didn’t want to disappoint Him. I didn’t want God to be angry with me.”
Patti Davis
What If This Was the Last day of Your Life?
Posted: June 16, 2011 Filed under: change, Courage, Uncategorized 1 CommentWhat if this was the last day of your life? 
What would you change?
Who would you be with?
Who would you be talking with?
What would you be eating?
What music would you be listening to?
Where would you be?
Would you be stressed and too busy to enjoy the day?
Would you want to be living the way you do?
Life is short.
Too short to waste a moment.
You can’t expect to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.
You can’t expect life to change if you are unwilling to change.
You can’t expect any thing from any body
Life is what we make it.
Make it big and real and great with lots of truth and happiness and FUN!
Young Marble Giants
Final Day
Symbiosis
Posted: June 4, 2011 Filed under: 12 steps, addicts, al-anon, change, choices, co-dependent, codependency,recovery,spiritual,healing, therapy, Courage, Faith, Fool, human behavior, Letting go, relationships, Uncategorized Leave a commentSymbiotic relationships simply put, are those with no boundaries. Often found with parent and child, a mother who eats off the child’s plate or goes through their things snooping. There are no boundaries and the child accepts it and feels guilt for having a life, so the cycle continues. Also many symbiotic relationships can morph from romantic bond to a brother and sister relationship or a rescuer and victim relationship or the partners may mother/father each other in a parent and child type of bond. The boundaries are so skewed that the couple cannot function without each other. It comes to mind the image of the Ouroboros, the snake who eats its own tail, a very ancient symbol which means, that which feeds you kills you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ouroboros
However the snake is constantly recreating itself. This is a more hopeful symbol than the images we get from Symbiosis which is constant feeding on each other to survive. It seems death represents change. The death of the bond creates the freedom to re-create.
Many people in symbiotic and co-dependent relationships say that they feel trapped by needy people, but perhaps they are trapped by their own neediness. You never know what’s going on in some one’s home, inside their marriage. Symbiotic and Co-dependent relationships end when one or both partners accept responsibility for their own emotional and physical well-being. Such people are then free to create healthier relationships …perhaps with each other.
From Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places by Jed Diamond
- Healthy love is fluid and dynamic. Addictive love fears change.
- Healthy love is gentle and comfortable. Addictive love is combative.
- Healthy love encourages honesty. Addictive love encourages secrets.
- Healthy love is unique. There are no ideal lovers. Addictive love is stereotyped.
- Healthy love creates life and joy. Addictive love creates melodrama and suffering.
- Healthy love is accepting the partner you have. Addictive love looks for more or better.
- Healthy love is based on your desire to be with a person. Addictive love is based on need.
- Healthy love is making yourself happy. Addictive love seeks someone to make you happy.
- Healthy love develops after you feel safe. Addictive love tries to create bonds to avoid fear.
Personally I believe, Twelve step programs are really good ways to start. As much as I resist Al-Anon, it has helped me tremendously.There are 4 types of symbiosis
Mutualism- involves two species, both benefit
Commensalism- involves two species, one benefits the other is not harmed or helped
Parasitism- involves two species, one benefits the other is harmed
Amensalism- one species is inhibited or completely obliterated and one is unaffected.
For the time being we are going to discuss these types of symbiosis as they pertain to human relationships.
We all strive towards Mutualism. We strive to coexist with others in a manner that is not only enjoyable, but beneficial to both parties and neither party is harmed. Mutualism is also frequently a life long relationship between two species and weather obligate for one species or one is obligate(by necessity), the other facultative(optional). In the relationship both species are obligate, both need each other to survive. In the obligate/facultative relationship the obligate species needs the facultative species to survive, the facultative species does not necessarily need the obligate.
Commensalsim as stated previously, is a relationship between two species where one specie benefits, and the other is not harmed or helped by its presence. The extent by which the one is helped can be extended to things like housing and transportation. This sort of symbiosis in a human relationship is comparable to having a room-mate that pays rent and may or may not clean. Their presences are neither a hindrance or a help.
We are all very familiar with parasitism, one specie is harmed one benefits. A parasite is defined by its host and lifestyle, most parasites are obligate. They can invade your intestines, your blood, your integument, your brains. The harm they can cause can be minimal to severe, based on what body system they attack, and what they are going to take. A parasite can take one blood meal from its host and leave or it can latch on and continue to take blood meals for as long as they or we live. Animals and plants alike are both plagued by parasites and we are constantly as risk of becoming hosts. None of us are able to escape this in our personal dealings with other humans. Recovery from this sort of symbiotic relationship starts with getting rid of the parasite in question. In order not to be drained of our life or at the very least irritated, we need to acquire some antiparasitic, i.e. some perspective. It is also important to recognize when one is the host in said parasitic relationship, which because of its many variations can be difficult. The best thing is to go with your first instinct, if you feel as though you are being used for someone else’s benefit, it’s surprising how often that little voice in the back of your mind is correct. It does how ever take recognition of self-worth to get out of a relationship that is parasitic. Sadly so few people do.
The most destructive symbiotic relationship is Amensalism. The host is completely drained or inhibited by another specie. The larger stronger specie drains the smaller and weaker specie till it die. When speaking on relationships, the hosts that do not find themselves a way out of parasitic symbiosis become victims of amensalism. The host has been used to the extent that they are weak and unable to sustain its own life.
These relationships all represent different ways in which we as humans fight for life.
Holly Go Lightly and the Broke Offs
Invention of Lying
Posted: June 3, 2011 Filed under: 12 steps, Courage, Faith, human behavior, Trust, Uncategorized Leave a commentLIES
We all do it every day. We lie to ourselves. We lie to others. Little white ones so as not to hurt another’s feelings and then there are those big, big ones. Lies about drinking drugs, affairs, so we can have our cake and eat it too. How long can a person get away with it? It takes so much energy to keep up with lies. Lies create burn out and exhaustion. I think lies are stealing. Lies steal souls and time on earth.
There is a movie called the Invention of Lying, a British movie, provocative. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1058017/
It was a world where everyone had to tell the truth. Everyone was so honest, it was hurtful to those who weren’t good-looking or whatever. Some of it really funny.. You could see how lies could have helped. One day, a man told a lie to his dying mother. He told her there was a beautiful place called Heaven and she would go there and meet a man named God and one day her son would join her there.. The story continues, but you get it.
This man was lying to make his dying mom feel better. Is that OK? What is really behind lies?
In AA, Honesty is our code. Nothing moves or happens until the wound is lanced and all the lies and poison escape.
It feels like shit, but do we tell the truth right away and blurt it all out and hurt the person we have been lying to?
The 11th step talks about except when to do so would injure them or others.
I hate to see others lying big, ugly lies and standing by and doing nothing, but I figure it’s their Karma. What would you do?
It’s kind of like seeing a parent be cruel to a kid in a grocery store. Do you step in and correct the parent? Yes, I would, I have. A child is defenseless, but one would figure an adult would have enough snap or intuition to figure it out.
Is it best to just figure the other person deserves to be lied to. Their Karma too?? But what kind of Karma does one create for themselves if they do nothing?
It is clear to me that there are just really, sick people in the world who lie and steal our souls and if we are so intent on getting our egos satisfied with winning, then we will never grow spiritually. So, do we just not do anything about people being dishonest? Or do we call then out and tell them our opinion and our belief?
What would Bill W.do?
Where’s freakin’ Jesus and Buddha when you need them?
“Be Impeccable With Your Word.” Don Miguel Ruiz
John Lennon
Just Give Me Some Truth
Without Fear
Posted: June 1, 2011 Filed under: Courage, Faith, Uncategorized Leave a comment“Fearlessness is the first requirement of spirituality,” Ghandi observed. “Cowards,” he noted, “can never be moral.”
It is for this reason that we need a working faith that can counteract even our deepest fears, helping us to face both life and even death, as the case may be.
Today we face fear with faith. Our Higher Power has us.
Go Ahead!!!!
JUMP into your future.
JUMP into freedom from bondage.
JUMP into the life you are meant to live!!
Life ain’t for cowards…or sissies.
Deathcab for Cutie
Pity and Fear
I have such envy for the stranger lying next to me
Who awakes in the night and slips out into the pre-dawn light
No words, a clean escape, no promises or messes made
And chalks it all up to mistake, mistake, mistake
There are no tears, just pity and fear
The vast ravine right in between
A storm at sea, bow cracked and I was capsizing
I sunk below where I swore I would never go
If you can’t stand in place, you can’t tell who’s walking away
From who remains, who stays, who stays, who stays
There are no tears, just pity and fear
The vast ravine right in between
There are no tears, just pity and fear
I recall the push more than the fall
The push more than the fall
Omnipotence
Posted: May 29, 2011 Filed under: 12 steps, alcoholic, Courage, Gratitude, Letting go, Uncategorized Leave a commentWe are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 133
Grateful for sobriety and the great life we have sober, for friends and laughter, parties, family, that we step out of our comfort zones and go to AA meetings when we don’t want to, that we don’t make excuses as much as we used to, for health and that we love really big and open without fear and knowledge that we will always land on our feet with our Higher Power. For miracles and signs and faith and trust. For people in our lives we trust with all we are. For this incredible 94 degree weather and the beauty of the south and the warm hearts down here, for time off and MUSIC and fab musicians and real fun. For the honesty, authenticity, open-ness and willingness of the spirit. That we are not hanging on to the dead situations that don’t work. That we allow others to be who they are and we allow ourselves to be who we are, beautiful and imperfect. That we don’t need other people to make us whole or to be cool or to take care of us. That we are independent and strong and this gives us the ability to be counted on. That we don’t have to show off, pretend and fantasize, save face or live a life unfulfilled. For loving and being loved. That we accept life on life’s terms.
Obsession lifted. No more hangovers.
Sobriety and facing the truth has given us freedom and self-respect and above all self-love.
So Much in our lives to be grateful for. Even though we go through a hard time and have to face truths and losses, we can still be happy, joyous and free. It’s weird that way. Figure that.
Sober Driver 